I have two teenage(ish) stepdaughters - 12 and 14 who were particularly obese as smaller children. When their mother walked out on them about 7 or 8 years ago, my husband had to become superdad (single parent is hard enough, but single dad to two young girls... can't even imagine!). He got the girls down to a reasonable weight by simply making them more aware of needs vs wants (and the consequences of constantly depriving yourself of wants then overindulging) and how that plays into body image. The only problem is that whenever they go visit their mom's side of the family (not as much their maternal grandparents, though to a degree, but much much moreso when they go see their mother), they come back to us visibly heavier. For instance, they just got back from a 4 week trip to Florida. Right before their trip, we had finally gotten them both to the point where they were comfortable enough with their tummy definition to be seen in public in a two-piece swimsuit. When they came back, it looks as if they've each put on at least 15 pounds. Their clothes that were slimming are now stretched tight across bellies (where you can see the indentation of the belly button) and they're constantly pulling up their pants trying to get them to stay on top of the muffin top. Now, aside from the fact that I'm frustrated that so much hard work on their self esteem has gone down the drain, I can't even begin to pretend that it's healthy to pack on that much weight in such a short amount of time.
I'll admit that I've always been a little self-conscious of myself - especially when I was a teenager - and it was, at times, borderline really bad... and I don't want them going through that. Middle school is hard enough, but adding a personal issue to it makes it darn near impossible.
Add to this that my mother is a WeightWatchers leader (due partially in fact to the inability to function a few years ago as her weight put such pressure on her body that she developed RA and had a hard time interacting with her small children, managing the house, and taking care of herself) and it's given me an interesting view of the black/white thinking that people generally associate with weight, food consumption, diet/exercise and body image.
They (WW) are constantly advocating that it is a lifestyle change - eating healthy + moving more + being conscious of your daily decisions = a healthier lifestyle, less strain on your body as the unwanted toxins leave your system, etc. I wish that there was a way that we (and I say this on an advocacy note as I'm not sure how to make an impact myself) can take this "healthy lifestyle" and promote it to the masses. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be healthy. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be fit enough to do the activities that you desire. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to not pollute your body so that you can live longer and healthier. The thing is that we need to find a way to not be hateful while educating. People who feel judged about their lack of knowledge, failed attempts, etc are more likely to rebel against coaching/support when times get tough.
I'm having a bit of a difficult time with the girls because I don't want them to think that by criticizing and trying to change their eating habits, I'm saying that there's anything wrong with them as individuals... because that couldn't be further from the truth. Instead, I just want them to be aware that what they put into their mouths (taking this step away from the exercise notion, because I feel that they are separate, non-mutually exclusive topics that should be encouraged to go hand-in-hand) is their decision. It's not my responsibility, not their dad's, not their mother's - theirs. In 4-6 years they'll both be in college and we won't be able to monitor what they're consuming, and I want them to have the foundation of making good choices so that they can continue to do this into adulthood.
I find it very frustrating to think about what our media is portraying to girls as "sexy" especially when you think about "thin" vs "sexy" and take into account the biological aspect and male perspective of it. Supposedly (and I don't know where I've seen this, but since it's come up a few times, I feel it to be a relatively reliable claim) men are attracted to features of women that would make them fertile: curvy hips, large breasts, round bottom, etc. in an attempt to find someone to procreate with that would further the species. Now, I have NEVER (luckily) had a guy tell me that I was too fat to be attractive. I've always been relatively average proportioned for being so short, and though I'm a little self-conscious of my thighs (thanks media!) I'm proud to flaunt my curves.
Any suggestions on how (especially as the step-mother) I can carefully walk this line so as to portray my desire to teach them to make smart lifelong habits while creating a beautiful, natural, healthy image at the same time?
Kristi,
ReplyDeleteGood post! I'd love to address a few things.
First, you call yourself not radically feminist. But I think there's nothing radical about feminism. To me, feminism is believing that men and women are equal. I'm not sure you need to take it any further than that.
Second, there was something you wrote, "Now, I have NEVER (luckily) had a guy tell me that I was too fat to be attractive". I think this might get to the root of some of those issues you were talking about within yourself. My response to this is, wtf cares what some guy says about "fat", "attractiveness" etc?? That should all come from within, confidence within, and being healthy throughout. I wonder if your fear for your daughters is also about how men will interact with them. I think it's important to extricate that from your focus on health.
I also think a lot of health and well being, as you said, is personal responsibility. As a mother there's only so much you can do. So much of that has to come from within the girls - all you need to do is give them the tools (cook healthy food while you can, be active as a family (not exercise but parks etc.), and talk to them about it in really candid ways). College will come down on them hard and some people find their sport and turn really healthy and others completely let go.
I know it's difficult to balance this issue but when your parents were telling you not to do drugs, didn't you want to do them more??? So much positive influence HAS to come from peers and from your actions, not your words or counsel.
I hope this came across in a helpful, positive way!