MythBusters

Myth: Eating carrots makes your eyesight better.
          BUSTED: I love carrots and still have to wear glasses.

Myth: Eating vegetables makes you grow up big and strong.
          BUSTED: Here I am... short and weak.

Myth: Continuing to make that face will cause it to freeze like that.
          INCONCLUSIVE: But hey, there's got to be some excuse for "those" people, right?

Myth: If you eat watermelon seeds, they will sprout in your tummy.

          TRUE: See?

What A Week It's (Already) Been...

Is it really only Tuesday? It's already been a crazy week and I'm already counting down hours until the weekend!

Yesterday, we were in court for the custody situation with the girls.  Veronica subpoena'd Nate and the girls' presence - against the judge's wishes - so we were in Carthage at 830am.  It was a VERY long and uncomfortable day while the details were hashed out, but (for now, at least) we seem to have come to an understanding with her in regards to the girls.  She will have them for Thanksgiving or Christmas alternating years and for 7 weeks - they must be back at least one week before school starts - each summer (Thanksgiving, we're meeting her halfway to Siler City, where her parents are, but Christmas and summer we have to meet her halfway - SC? GA?).  Any other dates/times that she wants will have to be proposed in writing and decided upon between her and Nate, but are not guaranteed... which looks like we'll have less of the surprise "I'm in town and want to see the girls" and less bickering about visitation.  The girls will get their cell phones back at reasonable times.  Aside from this, nothing's really changing.  The judge told Nate and Veronica that they need to work on communicating more efficiently about the girls (no more finding out when they come back that they were at the ER 5 times while down there!) and specifically looked at Veronica while discussing the fact that the girls are a product of the relationship they have/had and that they need parents, not friends.  Hopefully this will be the end of it for a while (they went to court for the final word in 2008, so let's hope this holds more than a couple years) and our lives - with our family, here, in our home - will be able to resume its normal feel and routine again soon.

2:45am found us getting up and ready to take Nate to the airport today for his 5am flight to Phoenix for his initial training for GMIT (promotion to taking over the dealership).  Luckily, I was able to get everything packed on Saturday so that we were able to toss the bags in the car and roll with relative ease.  Now, keep in mind that 1) I'm hormonal and 2) Nate and I have spent a grand total of 5 nights apart since we got serious - one of which we were in the same house, just different rooms... but I made it until he walked through the first set of electronic doors into the airport before bursting into tears at the thought of him being gone until midnight Friday/Saturday when his flight comes in.  This will be an incredible opportunity for our family and I'm so proud of Nate for sticking it out through the rough times and being promoted so quickly in a field he was previously unfamiliar!

I got a call this morning from my OB that they want me going in for weekly (yes, weekly) ultrasounds from here on out to measure the baby's amniotic fluid/movement/breathing - and they scheduled it for tomorrow and were just letting me know... so I'll be doing some serious scrambling to 1) try to catch up on the work I missed while in court yesterday and 2) trying to find an appointment time that will work for work/me/mom (she doesn't want me going to the hospital by myself).  Fortunately, I've been too busy so far today to dwell on this week's correspondence with the week I lost Kylie, but I'm hoping that seeing little mister this week will help me be less of a basketcase.  There will likely be lots of posts this week as I work through all of the chaos and pray that things resume a "normal" pace here before too long!

The Inspiration Behind All This Fervor: The Story Part 3

So at the hospital, they hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor and seemed okay with the findings (they were mostly amused with the sounds the machine was making - think "I speak whale") and after about 2.5 hours, they couldn't find the heartbeat after I went to the bathroom one time.  When I expressed concerns about this, the nurse told me that since they'd had so much activity up til then, she assumed the baby was just tucked back at a hard place for the monitor to reach and was sleeping - and since she's the professional, I went along with it.

I was discharged, took dinner to Nate, and started to get some pains in my back - which I, again, attributed to the fall since I wasn't bleeding or leaking any fluids.  On the way home, I had to stop on the side of the road to be sick a couple times, and called ahead to have the girls draw me a bath (that's what the instruction sheet they gave me at the hospital said to try if I was having any sort of cramping) but by the time I got home, I started thinking that something was seriously wrong as I was having a hard time staying upright and moving around at all.

I managed to get myself into the bathtub, but couldn't stomach the Tylenol and called the after-hours service of my doctor's office (like the discharge instructions said to do) and was told that if I thought there was a problem, I shouldn't be calling them, I should get back to the hospital.  I knew I was in no position to drive and that by the time Nate got home to pick me up and we made it back to the hospital, it would be too late, so I called 911 (let me mention that I've ALWAYS been terrified of emergency vehicles - they make me cry every time I see one) and they arrived a few minutes later.

It took forever to make it to the hospital (and I later noticed on the EMS report that even though I told them I thought I was in labor and didn't know when I'd felt the baby move last, it was documented as a non emergency transport) and was put straight into a room.  The nurses all clustered around the bed around the time that Nate got there, trying to give me something for the pain and trying - without success - to locate a heartbeat.  I just remember calling my mom and telling her that Kylie didn't make it and that I was so sorry to have to tell her that.  She said they'd be there the next day (since it was around 8:30 at that point), but to call at any time.

I was moved up to a delivery room and given pitocin and an epidural (where I thought Nate was going to deck the anesthesiologist for telling me, very rudely, that he was going to have to stop crying and sit up straight if he was going to get the needle into my back - but my spine's not perfectly straight!) and we waited.  I just kept telling Nate, "I don't want to do this" over and over again through the tears.  I couldn't believe that this had happened and I'd still have to go through all the pain of delivery.  Shortly thereafter, I started bleeding from the epidural site - and we're not talking a small trickle, I was soaking through half-bed mats every 10 minutes and they couldn't get the bleeding to stop since I'd used up all my clotting factors when the placenta abrupted.  As drugged up as I was, I can't imagine what it was like for Nate having to go through this by himself - he just kept telling me that he needed me to stop bleeding, that he couldn't stand to lose me too.  I promised him that I was going to try - and when he left the room to put a call into one of his coworkers, I was finally able (as if I had anything to do about it) to slow the bleeding to a trickle... when the nurses had said that if I hadn't stopped when they came back from getting more blankets, I would need a transfusion.

Kylie Jeanne was delivered January 16th at 1:40am (my brother was born at 1:52 the same day 14 years earlier) and weighed 1 pound 13 oz and was 13 1/2" long.  She had my toe shape (3 middle toes approximately the same length) but with Nate's long toes.  She had the most beautiful lips and dark hair.  When they handed her to me, I almost didn't believe that she hadn't made it - except she wasn't the right color.  We held her until she grew cold and handing her to the nurse was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Since I had lost so much blood, I was moved to the intensive care unit and put under constant supervision - which made for a very long night.  My parents came the next morning with my siblings and the girls, whom they offered to take back to Raleigh with them until we were discharged.  It was so difficult being in the ICU where I was only supposed to have one person with me at any given time, but when my vitals started to pick up, they moved me to the recovery floor - which was even harder.  Nurses and an anesthesiologist (not the one we had) came in on several occasions asking about our experience and which one our baby was, not realizing that we'd lost her... and the counselors and nurses wanting to know what we'd decided on for a funeral service couldn't have been more unwelcome.  Honestly, I didn't want to think about burying my daughter the morning after she was delivered - couldn't they understand that?  I convinced them to let me go home a day early since I couldn't take it any longer, and we tried to just get on with our lives.

We spent the next day (Monday) at the funeral home making arrangements for her service - more than a week later since we didn't think we could handle it being the following weekend - but we both went back to work the Tuesday afterwards since sitting at home was just too much time to think about it.

Her service was beautiful and I still get caught up on memories and triggers and bawl my eyes out, but very slowly, I'm coming to realize that our lives are moving on and that she wouldn't want us to stop living because we'd lost her.  We've filed a suit against the hospital for malpractice as the nurse practitioner who was monitoring me relayed positive fetal heartrate increases in the last 30 minutes of monitoring - when there was no heartbeat on record - which is the reason that I was discharged.  It is believed that if I had not been sent home, when the placenta abrupted, I would have been at the hospital - instead of on the side of I-40, and they may have been able to save her via emergency c-section.

Kylie's remains are in a beautiful hand painted heart-shaped urn on our bedside table and I know that she's with us always.  I try not to talk about her often, preferring to keep her in my memories as the energetic bundle in my belly that I loved from the day the test turned pink, rather than the form I held in the hospital.  I know that she's watching over us and has blessed my current pregnancy (or so I believe since we're having a boy, which we never thought possible with Nate's history, rather than a girl, which I worried would feel like a "replacement baby") and is keeping me safe.

I never thought it was possible to love someone you'd never met, but I ache for her always.  I miss you, Kylie Jeanne, may you rest in peace. 1*16*11

The Inspiration Behind All This Fervor: The Story Part 2

All of the "signs" pointed to us having a little boy.  I wanted 4 boys all my life, and Nate has always hoped to have a "Little Nate" running around.  I was carrying all in my belly, relatively low; I was radiant; the heartbeat hovered around the boy/girl mark.  When we went in for the ultrasound and found out that we were having a little girl, I'm ashamed to say that I was disappointed.  I laid on the table and cried while we watched her kicking and wiggling around.  But as time wore on and we started planning for her to be a person, our daughter, I warmed up to the idea of precious hairbows, ballet classes, mother-daughter bonding, etc. 

Since this was an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy, we started planning on ways to cut expenses.  We combined our car insurance on to my policy so we'd get a better rate.  We got a single cell phone plan for both of us so that we could "bundle".  And we planned to finally clean out the storage unit that was holding all the leftovers from my old apartment.  This one was the hardest to orchestrate as I was attempting to return a TON of furniture to my parents that I had finagled from them a couple years prior... and they didn't have the room either.  But this was another $100 a month that we weren't going to be able to budget when she got here.

So on January 15th, my dad came to Greensboro to help me start moving stuff out.  The plan was to load it bit by bit into their minivan and store it in their garage until we could sell it off.  We'd had some snow in the weeks prior, and while the temperatures were moderate, there was still some slickness where the sun wasn't shining.  The walkway to our front door was a solid sheet of ice, so I took my time picking my way across it, but when I got to the driveway, my foot hit the 1" patch of ice next to the car and I went sprawling face-first.  I took most of the weight on my left knee - which started swelling immediately - and left hand - which was nicely gouged and bleeding everywhere.  It took me a minute to get over the shock, but I went back inside to tell Nate, who was getting ready for work at the time.  He had me lay down for a few minutes and monitor her movements (since it felt like I'd knocked her straight on the noggin) but she was wiggling around like normal.  I called the doctor's office and they recommended stopping by the hospital for monitoring at some point that day, but didn't seem to think it was urgent since I wasn't bleeding, leaking fluids, having contractions, and she was still moving around fine - plus there's quite a bit of insulation with the amniotic fluid.

So I went to the storage place and we got some of the stuff packed up in my daddy's van.  I started to get pretty stiff, but I figured it was just from the tumble, but I headed to the hospital with my dad and brother in tow - and told Nate that if they thought something was wrong, I'd call him; otherwise he should stay at work since the doctor's office seemed nonplussed.

The Inspiration Behind All This Fervor: The Story Part 1

So I know that I had previously mentioned that the inspiration behind the blogging was to get back to "me" - when I was around 22 weeks pregnant... and that's where it all started.  I was thinking about how scared I was to be pregnant again after losing my daughter in January and how that experience had been affecting the way that I looked at this pregnancy.  I, consciously, know that they are different circumstances and that they aren't comparable, but I find myself constantly drawing parallels between them, comparing and contrasting the symptoms/growth/movements/emotions/etc.  This week is the one that corresponds with the gestational week that I was at when I lost Kylie (and Nate is in Phoenix), and I wanted to "cope" with it by documenting her story.  Likely, it will take a few posts... so bear with me.

Maybe a little backstory is necessary.

In the fall of 2004, when I was 17, I was raped  (and never discussed this incident with anyone, including my parents, hoping that it would just have never happened if I didn't think about it... silly, I know) and looking back, I believe that I had a miscarriage because of the beatings my body was taking during cheerleading.  The following spring, I saw an endocrinologist and was told that I wasn't ovulating and that I'd never be able to have children of my own.  Fast forward two years and my gynecologist and I were discussing this prediction and she recommended that I be on the pill in order to jumpstart my body's egg release-instinct.  Fast forward another 3 years and I met Nate and we both knew that we wanted kids down the line.  I was on the pill when I got pregnant with Kylie and so unbelievably surprised that I can't even begin to express it in words. 

I had taken 5 pregnancy tests that had all come back negative because I had missed two periods (not uncommon in my younger days when I'd go 5 months without, but I was just getting to the point where they were getting more regular with the birth control pill I was on).  Then, one day while I was at work, one of the agents made a comment about being a "little mama" and having to play mother hen to everyone.  I immediately thought back to the last couple mornings when all I wanted for breakfast was a sausage and gravy biscuit!  So during lunch, I ran over to CVS and bought a pregnancy test, snuck a cup out of our kitchen and holed myself up in the bathroom at work... and thought I was going to pass out when that second line turned pink.  So I tried another test.  Positive.  And another.  Still positive.  I was freaking out at this point! 

So after work, I bought a jar of baby food (bananas, since Nate and I had talked about how there were baby foods that were really quite tasty) and planned my delivery speech for when he got home.  I took him into the bedroom, told him to close his eyes, and put the jar in his hand.  When he opened his eyes, he just kept looking between it and me, and I blurted out "I'm pregnant" and immediately burst into tears.  I don't know why the tears; this was, ultimately - though not necessarily at that exact moment, what we were aiming for and I knew that he loves babies and would be a terrific daddy (again), but I was scared that he would be upset at the timing, I guess.  We talked it through and came to terms with it, deciding that we were surprised, but happy for the news.

When I went home two days later to break the news to my parents, they were a little more shocked.  I think that they didn't really know Nate and were unsure about our future together (we'd only KNOWN each other for 10 months, and been dating for 9).  But they eventually got on board.  My mother insisted (no, literally, she told me that it was non-negotiable that she be involved every step of the way) on being a part of this experience.

I was already about 8 weeks pregnant when I found out, and 9 when I made it to the doctor for the initial visit.  When they put the doppler to my belly and I heard that "whoosh-whoosh-whoosh" of the heartbeat, I was awestruck that we had created another person!  The appointment, as a whole, was terrible, since they wouldn't let me bring my husband and mother into the room for the ultrasound - and we switched practices.  The new place offered a midwife - Donna - who was incredible. 

The first trimester was a breeze!  About 14 weeks, I had a biophysical profile for Nate's insurance company and it was noted that I was spilling quite a bit of sugar into my urine, so the OBGYN did the glucose test early.  It was determined that I had gestational diabetes and that I'd monitor at home and they'd track the baby's growth.  The second trimester is when the nastiness kicked in.  I was sick all the time - throwing up at work, on the side of the road, in the grocery store, at home, in the Wal-Mart parking lot, wherever, whenever.  But my skin was clear, my hair was shiny, and I wasn't getting huge (in fact, I was having a really hard time putting on any weight), so I thought it was pretty well-balanced.

Hello/Goodbye

The changing of the seasons from summer to fall is always bittersweet to me.  I love summer's colors (watermelons, cantaloupe, lemons, limes, etc) but could do without the heat and humidity... and I love fall's colors (eggplants, pumpkins, changing leaves) and adore the cooler temperatures - though I could do without the fact that it leads into winter **shiver**  So in honor of the changing weather, I'd like to take a moment to say hello and goodbye to many other parts of my/our live(s).

Hello week 25... Goodbye toes!
Today marks the beginning of 25 weeks for me - where Peanut is measuring (according to last week's ultrasound at least) 1.5-1.75 pounds. 

Supposedly, he has a sense of equilibrium and can tell which way is down... if only he's make his way there!  He's still breech (or possibly breech/transverse based on his kick placements the last day or two) - and he's only got  12 more weeks to get his little tushy turned around!  Sad to say, but I'm officially huge now as I have lost the ability to see my toes beyond my belly (unless I curl my back in).

(24.5 week belly).  When we were at the doctor last week for the ultrasound, we were told that everything looked amazing and they were thinking about taking me off of the "high risk" list!  And then yesterday morning I got a garbled message from my OB (whom we had seen about 2 hours before going to MFM for the ultrasound where she said that everything was measuring exactly where it should be) saying that they wanted me to go in for a growth ultrasound (which I had sent over, they reviewed and said it looked amazing, but they're still ordering another one for next week) and weekly ultrasounds to monitor my AFI (amniotic fluid) levels from here out... so I guess we're not quite in the clear yet, but at least I get to see my little munchkin more often!

Hello 1 year anniversary... Goodbye smooching tree!
Nate and I went to Olive Garden for our first date - cutting out of work early the last Friday before Thanksgiving craziness hit - November 11, 2009 and had our first kiss under this beautiful tree in the parking lot.  Then, when we got married (eloped) last year - September 12, 2010 - we held our "reception" at the same Olive Garden and had a photo op of us playing smoochie face under the same tree. 

When we were discussing going out for our anniversary, me being the sentimentalist that I am, Olive Garden was the winner... and I planned a repeat photo op for posterity sake.  But nothing went according to plan!  I spilled the girls' dinner on my outfit I was planning to wear and had to scramble to find something else (one of Natalie's shirts that didn't accentuate the pregnant belly, but just made me look fat instead) last minute.  I realized that Nate's camera, despite being plugged up forever, was dead, then we scrambled to find batteries for Alyssa's - but it wouldn't turn on when I got there!  I ended up roping the hostess into taking a couple (very poor quality) pictures of us on my cell phone in front of the... bush? 

They chopped down our smooching tree because they'd had problems with people loitering in it around closing time.

Hello promotion... Goodbye Nate!
Next week (sometime after our Monday morning custody thing) Nate will be leaving for Phoenix, AZ for the week - the longest he and I have been apart since we started seeing each other.  But he'll be coming back with the promotion to General Manager In Training that they've been talking about giving him since the beginning of the year!  While the financial increase will come in handy with the addition of our little bundle, I know that the greatest reward will be the fact that Nate will be the "big man" again :)

In other news, Alyssa was nominated for the Young Peacemaker Award at the end of last year for being an exemplary student and excellent role model.

9/11/11 - 10 Years Already?

I've mentioned before how - day-to-day, yes, but especially while pregnant - I should absolutely NOT listen to sad music, watch sad movies/tv shows, think about anything sad, etc. because once the waterworks start, there's no stopping them.

And today is 9/11.  I refuse to watch the news.  I refuse to listen to the radio.  I refuse to open a newspaper/news website.  I just don't think I can handle the images from 10 years ago. 

I was sitting in Environmental Science when it happened.  I remember walking into class and the TV being on - which it wasn't usually - and we all just stood there as the planes crashed into the buildings over and over again in slow motion, smoke billowing, and my classmates gasping each time.

So today, I plan to honor those lives we lost by being grateful for the life I have and those who have fought for (and are still fighting for) our freedom in order for me to live this life.

Read Laura's blog here for an Army wife's perspective

Top Ten Thursday

Top Ten Things I'm Looking Forward To (in no particular order):

1. The beginning of fall
2. Leaves changing colors & taking the girls to Boone and/or Asheboro for photo opportunities
3. Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin crunch, pumpkin spice lattes
4. Pumpkin carving
5. Halloween
6. Finding someone to take my maternity photos
7. Baby Shower!
8. Nate's trip to Phoenix and the security that this will bring our family
9. Thanksgiving dinner
10. Our little mister's appearance!!!

Side Note: I'm very quickly losing my toes!! :(

My Ever Expanding Belly!

Baby Updates:

• At 22 weeks, Peanut is sleeping in 12 to 14 hour cycles (though it feels like he's kicking me all the time!), weighing in around a pound and growing to a whopping 11ish".  He can now perceive the difference between light and dark and is developing his grip.

• At 23 weeks, he now has a developed sense of movement and can distinguish when I'm swaying around, and this is supposed to lull him to sleep while I go about my everyday activities, leaving him wide awake during the times I'm trying to sleep... get ready for post-birth, Mommy!  Supposedly we should be able to hear his heart with a stethoscope at this point, but I'd rather hear it loud and clear on the doppler.  His face is fully developed and next up on the list is nippies!  While thebump.com has a large mango as the comparison for the whole 5th month, that is the size that babycenter.com equates with this week.

•  At 24 weeks, we're back at the hospital for another ultrasound (ie another chance to look at our little mister).  This week, we're hoping to get a good enough picture that we can use this as the image for our baby shower invitations - which we'll be printing and sending out in the next few weeks.  Our little man has put on about 1/4 of a pound since last week (wow he's packing it on quickly, let's hope I don't follow suit) and is about as long as an ear of corn (which they're saying is around a foot)!

• I've been feeling under the weather for the last week or so, so I stayed home from work today in order to visit the wonderful world of doctors... but below are some images from the ultrasound we had today (as you can see, Peanut is doing fine, even when Mommy feels like she got run over by a truck!).  Our little chunker is already weighing in at a pound and a half and is in the 47th percentile (but measuring just a tiny bit ahead) and we got to hear his hiccups on the doppler - and oh, how pissed he was that he had them and he was kicking me like crazy!:

Family Updates:

• Nate's birthday was on 8/20 and although we didn't do much to celebrate (since he just got a new guitar/amp/pedal and there are a million and one amazing games coming out in the next couple months), I did have my mom make him a Nutter Butter ice cream cake and we were lucky enough to have my daddy join us for birthday dinner (his bday was on 8/23, so they got to share the cake).
• The girls went back to school on 8/25 (a Thursday, how strange!) and Alyssa has two teachers that she's had previously - science teacher from 6th grade and math teacher from 7th grade.  Natalie has three out of the four core teachers that Alyssa had last year, so she'll be familiar with the practices of them and Lyssie can help her with the teaching styles that they uniquely have.  Also, the girls' class pods (because the 4 core classes are grouped together in the hall) are next to each other so they'll be able to keep an eye out for each other.  Alyssa got put in art instead of life skills - which is taking quite a bit of finagling to get changed over, but Natalie is pleased with her art class, though not necessarily the teacher.  The girls - luckily - got a new bus driver this year, but have been late to school quite a bit in the mornings because the bus driver 1) is new and 2) has a long route before them.  While some kids don't want to learn and would love to have the excuse of being late, our girls would rather get to school on time... so hopefully they'll get this corrected soon!
• Nate has finally gotten the word that they're going to be proceeding with his promotion.  He's been the up-and-coming General Manager In-Training (ie the next boss) since around December of last year, but they had a few setbacks in terminating his old boss, closing a store, consolidating teams, and getting production up/overhead down.  But the time has now come where he will officially start his training and get the title to go along with all the hard work he's been putting in - and I am so proud of him!
• Well Steve and his family didn't end up visiting us over Labor Day weekend because Nate and I were both sick and we didn't want to infect the kiddos... but maybe one of these days I'll finally be able to meet him.
• Our anniversary is coming up (9/12) and for it, Nate has bought me a new laptop (early, so I can play a game with him) but I absolutely love it - and am using it to type this update now!

Life Updates:

• We felt the effects of an earthquake in Virginia on 8/23 - the first time I've ever experienced something like this, especially since I live on the east coast. 
• On 8/27, Hurricane Irene came through and pummeled the eastern coast of our country.  Coastal NC and parts of MD, NY, and ME were without power for a week+ with tons of property damage and some lives lost.
• 9/6 brought flash flood warning and tornado watches all across our region - talk about weird NC weather!

Memories of Minutia

I had one of those "time-stands-still" moments this morning...

Nate and I were both in the bathroom (it's super tiny and the sink is right next to the door), cramped in front of the mirror, trying to get ready for work at the same time without getting in each others' way. He's got a new (sharp) razor against his face and I'm straightening my hair - so we're both in the "dangerous" phase of getting ready.  I love watching him get ready for work, and since he's so focused on the fact that he's running late, I got to watch him without making him nervous.

And time seemed to stand still. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I had one of those "how unusual that my life has come to this" moments when I realized that we're settling into that old-married-couple routine that I'd always dreamed of. Never in a million years would I have thought my life would be here now, would have gone through what it has to get here, but I'm so glad  - and it's little moments like this that get burned into my memory to be cherished for years to come.