Why A Girl Needs Her Daddy

My mom divorced when I was very young (just barely 2) and we met the guy who's now my Daddy right before I turned 3.  He wanted to help raise me (and they were in a budding relationship) so they moved to Raleigh together and became roommates... and then much more. 

He's always held a special place in my heart.  Not just because he was the other half of my parents.  Not just because we shared a lot of similar interests that were uniquely ours.  Not just because he was usually the "good guy".  Not just because he's usually always been there.  But because he chose me - and he didn't have to.

He may have missed my birth, learning to roll over and crawl, the first steps, and first words.  He didn't teach me to carve wood, put the lure on a fishing pole, or shoot a gun.  We never played video games and I don't think we ever tried to shoot hoops (or if we did, it was banned from my memory because I was so unsuccessful).

But he was there when I started preschool, Kindergarten, Middle School, High School, College, and all the works in between.  He taught me to wipe my butt, tie my shoes, make waffles, and love to read.  He picked me up from school when I ripped the seat out of my pants, when I had cramps, and when I forgot my project/paper was due that day.  He let me paint his fingernails when I got a bucket full of polish for Christmas and let me do his makeup when he dressed up for Halloween as the Fairy Godfather and Nurse Wretched.  We built forts, jumped on the trampoline and went to the movies on Wednesday afternoons. 

He went to birthday parties, conferences, bring-your-parent-to-school days, chorus and band concerts, football and basketball games, cheerleading competitions, graduations.  He walked me down the isle and cried with me at my daughter's memorial service.

There's a country song that talks about a young boy whose mom goes on a date with a man who includes him, and grows up with the best (non-biological) Daddy.  As they're standing at the nursery window looking at his newborn child, he says, "I hope that I'm at least half the Dad that he didn't have to be" - and every time I hear this song, I cry a little and send up a silent "Thank You" to my Daddy who didn't have to be.

What I've Learned From My Mommy

There's a dichotomy in parenting where one is the "good guy" and the other is, ultimately, the "bad guy".  Sad as it is, parents sometimes have to fall into these roles in order for the child to have balance - though this is not to say that these roles are concrete and/or that they don't adapt to the circumstances or times. 

Unfortunately for my mom, she fit the "bad guy" role too well and was more often than not, stuck here.  Classifying this, I am in NO ways saying that she was a bad mother, that she was mean, or that I didn't like her (any more than a child doesn't like a parent when they don't get their way).  My mother was strict but it didn't take me long to realize that, looking at the parents of my friends especially, I would rather my mother be slightly overbearing and love me too much than to not love me enough to be involved in my day-to-day life.  I would rather have too many rules and a little less fun than no rules and have gone through some of the things that my friends did.

Now that I'm a (step)mother myself, I find myself cringing at some of the "Mommyisms" that I swore I would never say, and bargaining with myself that some are actually justified as long as I don't do other "taboo" things instead.  I love my mother and while I don't want to be her, she has taught me a lot of good lessons for how to appropriately Mommy:

• When you say "no" it doesn't mean "I don't love you" - Sometimes it's no fun to tell you kid "no" because it means that you don't get to partake in a fun time yourself, but other times, "no" is said to teach children about safety and intelligent decisions.  Never be afraid to tell your child "no".
• Sometimes "because I said so is a valid answer" - While this was one of my least favorite responses to a question as a child, and I am a strong advocator of explaining the reasoning behind a decision once a child can understand cause and effect, there are some times, especially after the 27th "But why?" that "because I said so" just seems to be the answer to your sanity.
• Cleaning before vacation really does make it more fun to come home - Is it a pain to wash, dry, fold, and pack laundry, make sure to remove perishables from the refrigerator, and quadruple check your packing list?  Yes!  When you're doing this on a time crunch, do you really want to add cleaning the house to the to-do list before you get to relax?  Not likely.  But I've learned that when you come back and you have 16 loads of laundry, whiny children, and no groceries, walking on fresh carpets, relieving yourself in a ring-free toilet, and slipping into crisp/fresh-smelling sheets really does equate to "Ahhh, I'm home!"
• Being a parent doesn't mean that you can't make mistakes - Parents are human too, believe it or not, and this is a learning curve.  Every child is different, therefore parenting techniques will have to adapt on a daily basis... and this means trial and error (emphasis on the cliched combination of the words).  On the flipside, making mistakes doesn't make you a bad parent, either!
• Money doesn't equate to happiness - Sometimes the greatest "feast" you can have is a grilled cheese sandwich with a glass of strawgrapeberry KoolAid.  Spending the day watching Fern Gully while camping out on blanket-pallets on the living room floor beats the heck out of going to the movie theater.  And as much as chores and errands stink, its actually pleasurable when you make up stories and get them done together.
• Kisses do make it all better - Maybe the scratch still stings, maybe the bump hasn't gone away, maybe the cut still bleeds a little, but the love that is transferred during that one simple act lasts longer than any injury possibly could.  Each kiss is a reminder that a parent's love is never ending.  No matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter if you don't want anything to do with them, they still love you, and that love will always be there waiting on you whenever you need it.

I know that my relationship with the girls is unusual since they have regular contact with their mother as well; I'm sure that mommying a little boy is soooo different than mommying a daughter; and I have no illusions that there are going to come days (read teenage years) when my children and I just aren't going to like each other.  But my mom has taught me that it's possible to get through the tough years knowing that the love is always there, and that despite the fights, there will be a day when we can go back to being inseparable. 

Bookish Penguin's Monday Fives

I got this idea from a blog that I've been reading which can be found here and thought I'd give it a shot too.  I'm not sure that it'll always be Mondays that I'll be able to do this, but I'm going to figure out a day each week that I can address this, since I think it's important to take a few moments to think about what you're grateful for and what you want the next block of time to accomplish so you're not just floating through life.

Five Things I'm Grateful For:

1. My husband.  He's my lifeline.  I couldn't do anything without his support and unconditional love.  I know that things have been incredibly difficult (almost all the time) since we met - one trying obstacle after another - but we've managed to get through so far, and we'll continue to do so because we've got "it".  We were talking the other night about this mysterious "it" that some couples have - you know, the thing that makes them glow and just seem to be a cohesive unit (without sacrificing their individuality).  It's that variable that makes the difference between the couples who make it and those that don't, made up of (but not limited to) good communication, respect of boundaries, a "safe haven" mentality, and trust.
2. My mother.  While the rest of my friends and family have been incredibly important to me as well, my mom's really been the go-to for me.  From the freak-out calls where she couldn't decipher any words through the tears, to the belly pictures and minutia in between, she's always there for me whenever I need her... and despite our rocky history, I really value this newfound relationship.
3. Having a job.  I'm not going to lie - my job stresses me out... and more often than not, in ways that it shouldn't.  There are days when I love it, and days when going to lunch is the only thing that gets me through the day, but I'm so grateful to 1) have a job - for the income it's producing, the skills I'm learning, and the brainpower it requires and 2) to have such understanding employers.  They've been very lenient with me since I started here as life threw me one curve ball after another, and this has made it comforting to go to work, especially during the toughest parts.
4. The life growing inside me.  After losing my first child, I never thought I'd get over it.  People always asked if we were going to try again or if we were too broken up and were taking it as a sign that it wasn't meant to be.  Not having kids was never an option for us, so we started trying again right away.  I was (and still am) surprised every day by the blessing we received by 1) getting pregnant, 2) getting pregnant that quickly, and 3) having such few complications.  This is the little boy we've always dreamed of, and I can't wait for him to get here!
5. Rediscovering passions.  After being in such a fog for the last 6 months+, it's nice to start feeling like "me" again (albeit a blimpier version) and re-visiting the venues that help define me.  It's been like starting new as my fresh outlook colors everything in my daily life - and it's amazing to have my eyes opened to it again.

Four Things I Can't Stop Thinking About:

1. How much longer (or how little longer, depending on the day) I have until our little Peanut comes along.  Some days it feels like the time is dragging on and December will never get here... and then other days, I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to get everything done in time.  And I know thinking about it at all is ridiculous because he's going to come whenever he feels like it, and whatever is done, is done, and what's not, isn't - and that's just the way it's going to be.
2. The drama going on with children in our lives.  As I've briefly mentioned to some, we're going through a custody situation with the girls' mom - and while I'm 99.999999% sure it's unnecessary and that our living situation will not change, it's putting a lot of undue stress on us and is taking up time that should be devoted elsewhere.
3. Money! It's always tight for me, and unfortunately there's not much way around that (I can cut some corners, but I'm not willing to completely give up any luxury for myself, though most I have already). I'm terrified about what it's going to look like once Peanut gets here, and it plagues my daily thoughts. I'm sure we're going to be just fine, but it's still hard to think about.
4. Our house has become very cluttered recently.  When I moved in, I encouraged Nate to bring his gaming into the living room so he can be more comfortable and take advantage of the big TV.  Then, we moved another TV into the living room, and set up a second gaming station so that either Alyssa or I can play with him. So now, we've got 2 TVs, 2 Wiis, 2 PS3s, 2 computers, a printer, the wireless router stuff, the cable box, a PS2, plus all the games/movies that we're currently interested in, and folding lawn chairs to get us up close and personal. So I want to invert our living room and give us a little (illusion of) space and find a way to de-clutter the area... but with 2 stations, it's a little difficult to find a solution.  While I would never consider myself to be a "tidy" person, there does come a point where clutter stresses me out - and I'm at the point where I need to do something about it (call it nesting, if you'd like).

Three Things I Want to Accomplish This Week:

1. Seeing my weight gain as a positive thing.  After being so self-conscious about my weight my entire life, it's really hard for me to watch the numbers on the scale creeping upwards and embrace it.  At this point, I've put on about 12 pounds, which is just barely in the bottom section of the recommended weight gain target, but that's still a tough number for me to handle.  I just have to remember (and consciously accept) that I need the extra weight for baby and there will be plenty of time after he's here to stress about getting the weight back off!
2. Accurate meal planning. I usually try to plan meal options ahead of time to give us a little variety, but with the girls being back, I'm making it a point to try to cook more often, which necessitates actually having all the ingredients (I have about a dozen options right now that are missing one ingredient each). So I plan to think it out a little better so I can stop running to the store (and ultimately buying more than I need) every night of the week!
3. Outline a bill pay system to finish paying off the medical bills from January and/or make sure that they're taken care of before Peanut comes along. The bills are quite outrageous (especially the hospital bill) and I've been slowly chipping away at them. Now that we've gotten my engagement ring paid off, it's encouraged me to get the rest of them taken care of quicker so that we can have that extra money to start working on our "nest egg" and/or use it to pay down other things (like the last little bit of the car and making a dent in the mortgage).

Two Things I Am Working to Be Positive About:

1. Trusting that things are going to turn out alright. Whether relating to baby, finances, relationships, work, etc. I just need to start really knowing that things are going to be alright.
2. This one's a little harder to admit, but I really want to get back the the mental place where I look forward to one-on-one (or two-on-one as it may be) time with the girls. It's been very tense since they got back from Florida and it frustrates me when they mope around all the time, discouraging me from wanting to take them in public while they act like this. It's really hampering our relationship because it means that we aren't partaking in the fun activities that we used to (girls $1 movie nights, trips to the farmer's market, co-grocery shopping trips, craftiness, planting - and killing - flowers, etc) and it means that we're all cooped up in the house, being lazy instead - which is something I'm trying to avoid anyways! I'm not 100% sure where I'll start this week, but I'm going to be more positive about this alone time to institute bonding and attempt to make up for lost ground. Really I am.

One Random Thing:

1. Next weekend (Labor Day weekend), Nate's friend Steve is coming to visit and bringing his wife and three kids. This is the first social visit we've had (aside from our immediate families) since we've been together that will take place at the house. I've never met Steve - who has been a really great friend of Nate's forever - nor had to interact with any wives to date. We're a bit reclusive as a family, so this is a big accomplishment. Now I have to do laundry, clean the bathrooms, sweep/dust/mop/vacuum, have the girls sufficiently organize their room/bathroom/game room, plan meals for people I don't know (including 3 small children), and make it all look effortless. At least we finally got the lawn mowed and bushes trimmed!

On Weight Management and Teenage Girls

The other day I was reading a blog (here) of a friend from high school.  She's talking about black/white thinking and how it determines a lot of our lives - specifically weight and body image.  I took a few feminist theory classes in college, but would by no means consider myself radically feminist.  Sure, I think that misogyny is a bad thing and that we should educate girls about how important it is not to let boys walk all over them from a young age, but I don't consciously go much further than that... but this topic brought an interesting point home.

I have two teenage(ish) stepdaughters - 12 and 14 who were particularly obese as smaller children. When their mother walked out on them about 7 or 8 years ago, my husband had to become superdad (single parent is hard enough, but single dad to two young girls... can't even imagine!). He got the girls down to a reasonable weight by simply making them more aware of needs vs wants (and the consequences of constantly depriving yourself of wants then overindulging) and how that plays into body image.  The only problem is that whenever they go visit their mom's side of the family (not as much their maternal grandparents, though to a degree, but much much moreso when they go see their mother), they come back to us visibly heavier.  For instance, they just got back from a 4 week trip to Florida.  Right before their trip, we had finally gotten them both to the point where they were comfortable enough with their tummy definition to be seen in public in a two-piece swimsuit.  When they came back, it looks as if they've each put on at least 15 pounds.  Their clothes that were slimming are now stretched tight across bellies (where you can see the indentation of the belly button) and they're constantly pulling up their pants trying to get them to stay on top of the muffin top.  Now, aside from the fact that I'm frustrated that so much hard work on their self esteem has gone down the drain, I can't even begin to pretend that it's healthy to pack on that much weight in such a short amount of time.

I'll admit that I've always been a little self-conscious of myself - especially when I was a teenager - and it was, at times, borderline really bad... and I don't want them going through that. Middle school is hard enough, but adding a personal issue to it makes it darn near impossible.

Add to this that my mother is a WeightWatchers leader (due partially in fact to the inability to function a few years ago as her weight put such pressure on her body that she developed RA and had a hard time interacting with her small children, managing the house, and taking care of herself) and it's given me an interesting view of the black/white thinking that people generally associate with weight, food consumption, diet/exercise and body image.

They (WW) are constantly advocating that it is a lifestyle change - eating healthy + moving more + being conscious of your daily decisions = a healthier lifestyle, less strain on your body as the unwanted toxins leave your system, etc. I wish that there was a way that we (and I say this on an advocacy note as I'm not sure how to make an impact myself) can take this "healthy lifestyle" and promote it to the masses. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be healthy. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be fit enough to do the activities that you desire. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to not pollute your body so that you can live longer and healthier. The thing is that we need to find a way to not be hateful while educating. People who feel judged about their lack of knowledge, failed attempts, etc are more likely to rebel against coaching/support when times get tough.

I'm having a bit of a difficult time with the girls because I don't want them to think that by criticizing and trying to change their eating habits, I'm saying that there's anything wrong with them as individuals... because that couldn't be further from the truth.  Instead, I just want them to be aware that what they put into their mouths (taking this step away from the exercise notion, because I feel that they are separate, non-mutually exclusive topics that should be encouraged to go hand-in-hand) is their decision.  It's not my responsibility, not their dad's, not their mother's - theirs.  In 4-6 years they'll both be in college and we won't be able to monitor what they're consuming, and I want them to have the foundation of making good choices so that they can continue to do this into adulthood.

I find it very frustrating to think about what our media is portraying to girls as "sexy" especially when you think about "thin" vs "sexy" and take into account the biological aspect and male perspective of it. Supposedly (and I don't know where I've seen this, but since it's come up a few times, I feel it to be a relatively reliable claim) men are attracted to features of women that would make them fertile: curvy hips, large breasts, round bottom, etc. in an attempt to find someone to procreate with that would further the species. Now, I have NEVER (luckily) had a guy tell me that I was too fat to be attractive. I've always been relatively average proportioned for being so short, and though I'm a little self-conscious of my thighs (thanks media!) I'm proud to flaunt my curves.

Now with the girls, I'll admit that I want them to look good, but I want them to feel good too. I want to be able to push them physically and not have them sweating/panting a minute into it. I want to know that they're going to make healthy decisions about their food and exercise choices once they get out of the house. They're both still a little "overweight" but I think that starting with making these choices and making them aware that THEY can make the right choices will even out the health aspect in time, and that they'll be more likely to avoid the drama of the media.

Any suggestions on how (especially as the step-mother) I can carefully walk this line so as to portray my desire to teach them to make smart lifelong habits while creating a beautiful, natural, healthy image at the same time?

Some Non-Baby Stuff for a Change...

The further I get into this pregnancy, I realize that I'm getting further from the death of my daughter - which in turn causes all kinds of emotional roller coastering... but I'm glad to say that it's starting to get easier to handle the loss, and I'm starting to feel like "me" again.  That being said, I've started thinking about the things that I used to love to do (pre-Nate especially, since that marks the most recent turning point in my life) and I'm trying to get back to some of that.

1. I love to read.  Nate bought me a Kindle for Christmas last year so that once the baby was born, I'd be able to continue reading (since we found that too much time without a book - good, bad, or otherwise - led to psycho-Kristi) without having to leave the house.  He's been diligently getting me gift certificates for it so that I always have funds to purchase my stress-relief.
2. I love to cook.  While I would never claim to be fantastic at it, I seem to hold my own (afterall, I didn't starve when I moved off campus, did I?).  I love to take a recipe and modify it to my very particular desires and experiment with different tastes, textures, etc.  That being said, Nate and I have talked on a couple occasions about opening a catering business, but it's still just in the "hmm.... what do you think about this?" stage.  A lot of my friends/family/acquaintances are doing the cake/cupcake/baking ordeal, and while I could dip into that with the experience from my mom's cake business, I'd rather do meals.  I want to spend time making substance for the belly and the soul (and oh, how some of my favorites are "comfort foods").
3. I love babies.  Luckily, I'm pregnant again and will soon have a little man of my own to love and cherish and I can stop cooing over (or at least reduce the amount of time I spend) random strangers' babies.
4. I love music.  I used to play in various bands/ensembles, but haven't recently.  I thought about my poor clarinet sitting in storage and it broke my heart... so I went out and bought new reeds and sheet music and decided I was going to start playing again... but I forgot that I've never taken a lesson in my life.  While I love music, I'm not particularly good at sight reading and I learn best by hearing/seeing it and repeating.  So that lasted about two practice sessions.  However, I've always wanted to learn to play guitar... and I'm married to an incredible guitarist... so Nate is (very patiently) teaching me some bits and pieces on guitar.  It's a bit of a slow practice since I'm passing out most nights when he gets home, but we've gotten down a few chords and the basics of a couple recognizable melodies (mostly Guns 'N Roses) and he's got me strumming along - albeit clumsily - with him while he plays his new AMAZING Les Paul Standard :)  So in essence, I'm getting to spend more of our valuable "down" time with him while learning to play guitar and embracing one of his biggest passions - talk about couple bonding!!
5. I love to write.  It started out with short stories many many years ago and transitioned into poetry/prose when I was in college, but I haven't REALLY written anything in quite some time.  I had hoped that starting a blog would help - and to a degree it has - but it's not quite the same... mostly because I'm not too diligent about it.  I want to start chronicalling the mundane, the daily ins and outs (which I've been inspired to do since I've read a lot of random blogs since becoming pregnant).  I don't know if this will ever translate into the fictitious semi-autobiographical novella I've had pinging around in my dome for a while, but I think it'll help me nonetheless.

These being listed, I'll note that I was reading a blog today where a woman was talking about her battle with post-partum depression and she said that her doctor told her that her goal should be to be the best mommy possible to her son, the best wife to her husband, and the best her that she could be.  So, I'm making it my goal to spend more "me" time doing the things I love in an attempt to not lose myself as I continue this VERY quick transition from college girl to working girl to wife to mother.  I'll admit that it's been a little overwhelming and with our anniversary on the horizon, I have to acknowledge that it's been a hell of a married year and a "together" two years.  There were some instances where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it, some where I wasn't sure that this bothered me, and others where I was just too numb to realize.  Now, while still learning about myself and growing as an individual daily, I'm going to be the best mommy (and step mommy) that I can to the kiddos, the best wifey I can to Nate, and the best "me" that I can figure out to be.

Updates Galore!

Well the girls are back from Florida after spending 4 weeks with their mom and we're thrilled to have them home!  It's always a bit of a rocky transition for them coming back to the "real world" but I'm glad that they had so much fun down there.

Things around the house have been a little crazy lately as we try to add some homey touches to liven the place up a bit (without going overboard and/or broke!), as Nate handles the chaos of having to work 6 days a week as his company's making transitions, as we're handling a custody battle with the girls' mom and the lawsuit against the hospital,  and attempting to battle the North Carolina heat of July and August.  Luckily, the last few weeks have moved by quickly - and hopefully the same will be true for those to come.  The girls start back school on Thursday of next week, where Natalie will be in her gifted classes, trying out for soccer (and softball in the spring), and joining the Ping Pong club. Alyssa will be re-joining FACS (a service-based club), being initiated into the Beta Club, trying out for volleyball later in the fall, and starting out in Chorus Ensemble. Imagine how busy I'll be playing "soccer mom" to all these activities: hope my pregnancy brain doesn't forget to pick them up one day! :-D

Baby boy is getting big very quickly now, and we're attempting to decide on his name (we were positive that we knew what it would be since Nate and I started dating - and he knew what he wanted 10+ years ago, but he's recently started toying with other ideas, too).  We've planned the majority of the details for the baby shower (except a few games and the menu), picked out the invitations and decorations, birth announcements, bedding, color scheme for the "nursery" (whether that's in our room or the current "game room" is yet to be decided), finished up the registries, and started buying some cute little miniature clothes.

Catch-up from the last couple weeks:

This week's big noteworthiness is that our little mister is covered in what they call "vernix caseosa" which is a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells - a protective covering against being in a 9-month-long "bath"....eeyeuw! I hope he gets rid of all this before he's born!

This week, we're supposed to be halfway through, but since we're hopefully being induced 3 weeks early, it means we have 17 weeks (120 days) left. This is almost how big he was at his ultrasound 2 weeks ago, so I'm thinking he's going to be a big boy (but that's a good thing, especially if they take away his last 3 weeks of growing time).  This week's special feature is another nasty one: Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. But his genitals are now fully formed! He's wiggling around all the time and Daddy can feel his acrobats almost all the time now. I can still see my feet (luckily) though the belly's getting quite big. I'm up about 7 1/2 pounds at this point and starting to be more comfy in gauchos and stretchy capris with my ever-expanding (and think pointy-watermelon-shaped) belly!

21 week belly

This week our little mister is sucking down amniotic fluid, getting a taste for all the foods he'll be experiencing after he's born (if only I liked a wider variety!). We've got around 16 weeks left - which doesn't compute to the day of the month as well as I'd like - but about 112 more days. Here's hoping that he'll do lots of growing (since he's already a little big) and be big enough around 35 weeks for them to induce with steroids so we can have him sooner!  I feel like we're stuck at that annoying waiting point right now, but I've gotten quite a bit accomplished (see note above).  Little Peanut is very active and others can feel him too. I think we're getting to the point where they'll be able to see my belly move - consistently, at least: I was able to get a video of him kicking last night to send to Mimi since he decides to have performance anxiety whenever she's around - when he goes haywire, too, which I'm hoping will make it more "real" for the girls. Alyssa seems a little in shock still, but Natalie is super excited that she's getting a little brother!

So I went to the doctor's office this morning (21 1/2 weeks) so they could run a couple tests (everything seems to be just fine) and Tina - our favorite nurse - wanted to take a look at our little mister since she was out of the office for a family emergency at our last appointment... so we have a few new pictures of our Peanut!

He kept making this pose, and if he was a girl, I'd make a "Gone With the Wind" reference about women and hot spells, but I think he was just trying to figure out how to get that hand in his mouth without the energy from breakfast.

This one makes it look like he's got more arms than he actually does, but he was just waving them around spastically.  It's neat though that you can see his eye socket (which we've seen before) but also a pocket of amniotic fluid in his mouth that he'd just gulped down.

Yep, still a boy!

I love seeing pictures of him (this one's kinda from the back of the left side of his head, so you can catch the shape of his jaws (black vertical squiggle on the right-ish side) where we can see his heart and spine!

The profile's a little fuzzy, but you can see his little arm above his head and the umbilical cord coming from his tummy.

Right before he punched me! Whap!

Waving good morning!